It is so dark here, darkness all around my soul. Such pain, such pain I can’t think. I ache, my muscles ache, they are so heavy, I am so tired. So weary, I’m so weary, it’s coming again, the pain. I close my eyes as the pain hits me again, its like a huge wave it crushes me, the pain becomes so strong I am drowned; I can’t see. I can’t breathe. My chest is crushed; there is no air to breathe.
I open my dried lips, they crack as I try to gasp for breath, blood trickles down my chin. I have a thirst for water but all I receive is dust. It hits my mouth with such a force that it sticks to my tongue. My tongue feels rough and dry, I try to swallow the dust away but I am too dry. The dust remains, taunting me. I can feel my head turning around inside me. I need water.
I feel faint, I struggle to see. I feel so dizzy, so sick. I try to swallow, to take a breath, to live but I can not. I am hanging here on this tree, my limbs are so heavy now, and my lungs hang empty as all the air is pushed out. They scream out at me demanding air as I struggle to breathe. I want this pain to end but it is not time yet.
My head pounds inside my ears, like roars of thunder. The pain dulls my sight but my brain is still alive, it is so sensitive now. I can feel it all. My head feels like it is going to explode; the pain is so strong. It overtakes my thinking, I am lost.
The wind starts to blow again. A new pain begins. A hot searing pain as my crown of thorns moves in the breeze. Sharp penetrating pain seeps into my skull as the pin pricks of the thorns stab my flesh.
A new burning pain attacks the nerves in my face and neck. My hair stands on end and my face starts to twitch, shivers start to run across my head and cascade down the length of my spine. The shock of this new pain sends spasms throughout the length of my body. The nails in my limbs burn my skin with the force of the convulsions. I shiver in shock waiting for it to abate. The spasms seem to slow, I feel some relief, but it is short lived. New spasms of pain hit me again, this time they are stronger, my whole body moves uncontrollably. I can do nothing to control them. I am helpless.
My back arches, and my muscles tense suddenly as the nails seem to be pushed even harder into my flesh. My muscles tear, it burns me. My hands shake violently as the pain burns again. It is unbearable. My hands and wrists feel strangely cold, the blood has gone. They feel numb no longer a part of me and I find I can not move them willingly, yet my fingers they shake in shock.
My legs feel cold now, my knees seem to be numb from the blood loss, yet I am aware of the hairs on my knees and calves, they are standing to attention.
My lungs scream at me again from within this time I need to move to continue to live. My ankles start to burn and my flesh tears again as I struggle to put all my weight on the nail. I gasp for breath.
The air reaches my lungs but they sting in response, I find no relief. The pain in my wrists has increased now as I try to hold myself in this upright position to breathe.
Tears well up in my eyes ready to cry, but my eyes sting from the wind; I can not cry to relieve their dryness. I close them instead to try to find some peace but my lids feel hot against my skin. Pain travels up from my eyes, across my forehead to meet with the pain already searing in my mind. My head is throbbing with pain, I can hold this position no longer I lose consciousness briefly as my body sags against the tree.
I am aware that the wind has gone away but I feel no relief, I am left with no strength to face the next pain. It hits me suddenly and unexpectantly. My ears are full of the noise of my pain, that continually thunders inside my mind yet suddenly I am aware that I am not deaf. They start to shout at me; the people at the cross. This new pain crushes my heart. Emotions rage inside my soul as I hear them. They want me to do something, to come down; to save myself. I try to ignore them, but their shouts are so strong that I can not shut them out.
I feel such pity for them, they do not understand. They are so lost, sheep without a shepherd. They are doomed to die if I weaken.
I open my eyes to watch them, one of my disciples is pushed aside he is a broken soul. I can feel his pain on my heart. In his despair he runs blindly away. He was brave to come, the others are hidden way, cowering frightened by the wolves of satan. I can feel their pain too; they are attached to me like part of the vine. I can not escape their pain.
My mother is here, she is broken inside but she is different to them, she has a sense of peace in her spirit, I sense her faith, but she is unaware of the Holy Spirit who is strengthening her. Her heart is broken and she is crying in despair. I envy her for his company, for he has left me totally alone. My very soul that still cries out to God is ignored. I am alone. It must be this way I know, but it has left a longing inside that is eating at me. I can not escape this pain it will always be there for those that are lost.
My soul is empty of comfort and I am now fully aware of a new fear; the fear of death. I cry out to my father in the depth of my fear.
A new physical emptiness comes into my awareness. My stomach churns, I am hungry. The hollowness of my stomach seems to suck the whole of my body inside. Hunger pains start to well up they increase in strength until I feel sick. I want to vomit but can not. I feel like my stomach in its desperation for food is starting to eat away at my flesh inside. I can do nothing, I feel so weak now. I have no strength left in me. I can not seem to ignore this basic need. Starving I hang from this tree. I need to feed, I need strength.
I look at them down there in their brokenness, my children. I feel a joy inside my soul; it carries me suddenly feeding me with their love. I feel refreshed and I thank my father for his unexpected provision. My children love me, they are part of me and I draw my strength from them. Little do they know that they are helping me. They can only see my pain. It tears them apart. I feel a new wave of emotional pain as I watch them. I can only accept it; I can not detach myself from them. We are one, we suffer together.
Darkness is starting to fall over this land now; many people have left us here. Suddenly satan comes nearer, he can sense I am close to death. He has been here all along but he becomes braver as he watches me in my physical weakness. He was afraid to come near before but I have heard his whispers in my soul as he has constantly tried to weaken me. I would not listen to him then and now, in his desperation he stirs the spirit of the thief next to me who starts to shout abuse at me. I can feel this mans hatred for me. It hits me, a new emotional pain. My heart aches in love for him, I know he is doomed. I try to hide from his shouts unwilling to engage in satan’s game. I will not give him the satisfaction he desires.
A shout of support surprises me. I am vindicated by a man who has judged me as innocent. I struggle to turn my head towards him. This causes my eyes to know darkness as a new pain takes away my sight. I am blind. I sag against the tree again broken. The deep pain in my head seems to shift slightly, my eyes start to clear. I look to this new man and feel his hope inside him as a new faith stirs within. I answer him briefly, a promise, I can do no more. The spirit will have to comfort him in his last moments.
I sense that my work here is almost done. I look to my mother and to John they seem to come forward, a Roman soldier glances at me; he sees I am almost dead. As they come towards me, I force my mouth to speak. It takes all my strength to say what is needed, but I am freed at last all my burdens are done. My mother will be cared for now. I look at them one last time a parting glance. As I go I speak my end. The darkness comes upon me as I leave.
It is so bright now, I can not bear it. I am curled up in a ball. I can not move. I see him die, the thief. I cry as his spirit is taken down to that dark place. I can do nothing to save him it is my fathers will. I watch again, the second thief is dying. He is not alone, the spirit is around him. He is carried home. He is taken to the angels, they minister to him and he is made well.
They take him to his new home by the shore. I can sense his delight as he see’s it for the first time. It is a boat, he has always wanted one. He could never afford to buy one it was out of his reach. The angels take him aboard but he does want to go, he wants to see me. The angels tell him he will but he needs to rest first, they explain that I am with my Father.
The spirit joins us, we become one again. I am here with my Father; I curl up on his chest as he ministers to me. I need rest too, my emotions are in turmoil. My spirit and my Father join together in me; they start to gently restore me to fullness. I need to be close to them for a short while now. I sense my Father’s tears as he ministers his healing to me.
We become one. I am one, we are one.
“For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16
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